Just a pinch of awareness..

Sadhguru says “If you speak consciously, 70% of what you speak will fall away”. So I have decided that am going to be aware of whatever I speak today. When you have to spend your day with a 100 hyperactive kids, it is impossible not to speak altogether. Maths lessons would be a fiasco 😛  But I have only 3 hours of lessons. So the remaining time I should be able to manage with minimal speech.

 I am also becoming aware of how noisy my mind is. Especially during Shakti Chalana Kriya. Asanas and Shambhavi are not so bad.. but all hell breaks loose during my Kriya. The most random things popup in my mind about class organizing or that I should have kept the rice in the cooker before sitting for practice. Yesterday I was carrying on a silent battle with Madhy in my mind because I am guessing that we will have some disagreement in June over an issue. (Thats 6 weeks later, for heaven’s sake!) How absolutely insane!!! But my mind does all it can to stop me from getting involved with my Kriya. I am always pulling myself back during the Kriya when I go adrift. One moment I am with my breath, next moment I am in the past or the future. Next moment I pull myself back. Then again I go elsewhere. Its interesting. Its almost a challenge.

So why am I blogging this now? Because I am discovering the joy of typing, sharing , thinking and being aware at the same time 🙂

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What I REALLY want..

Ok, this blog is going to be different from my previous entries. I am penning these thoughts here because I do not feel like sharing this with any one person in particular. It is my shout out to the cosmos.

I know what I really want to to do in life but just cannot do so right now, this moment, because I am bound by time, money and relationships. I want to be in the Isha Yoga Center, volunteering day in and day out, in complete silence… just wearing my personality out by offering myself to everything I do. I long to soak in the magnificent presence of the Dhyanalinga, to get a strong knock on the head in the Theerthakund, to look at the Velliangiri mountains and be humbled by it every dawn and dusk, to burst with gratitude at simply being in the presence of all those beautiful beings who are offering themselves for the bigger cause of the humanity. Just the memory of the place brings tears to my eyes. When I am there I do not feel compelled to speak or say something  just to be ‘sociable’. I can be by myself. How I long to be in that pure atmosphere, where everything is done out of love and offering.It is where I truly understood and experienced love, which is so different from the context it is used in the society today.

Just organizing the Inner Engineering program and seeing that every aspect of the class is taken care of (whether I do it well or mess up somethings unintentionally 😛 ), felt like going through a pregnancy and delivering the ‘baby’. It sounds weird, I know. But I have experienced Isha as my baby and thats the best feeling EVER.  I have never volunteered for the Bhavaspandana program but I want to. Every event that happens in Isha, every project that is being taken up.. I crave to be a part of it. When I get the monthly Newsletter and see all the events lined up, I CRAVE to there, forgetting to sleep and eat and just working to make it happen.  Maybe my time has not come or maybe my longing is not deep enough. But until then, I am keeping up with my Kriya and Shoonya. I am the biggest criminal there ever was because I got something invaluable in the form of the Silence practice but did not establish it by regular practice. I got too tangled up in life. It is such a pity that despite knowing that it is the most invaluable thing in my life, I have still not taken the effort to establish it… what to call me? Stupid?

I am not even going to write about Kailash Yatra. I am avoiding talking to anyone who is going on the Yatra because it is painful. I cannot afford it right now.. but just looking at the site and seeing all that Sadhguru has to say about it, creates such a longing in me to be there with him.

I am waiting for the next 1 year to pass because there are a lot of changes and uncertainties around me in terms of job and relationships. I dont event have a place to stay after June because I have not managed to find anything feasible yet! I feel ashamed to say that I am going to wait for these things to settle first before I take the next step forward. I understand that I am taking my existence for granted. I am assuming that I will be alive tomorrow. Thats why all this drama.  So what should I do now? I dont know. I still feel caught and helpless.

Ok.. thats just the helpless me writing all this. I have to sit for Shoonya and Kriya now. These 2 are the wheels on which my life is running. I cannot even imagine my existence without these 2. oh.. what a blessing it is to have been initiated!!! I am going to sit down now as though it is my first Kriya. That is my Sadhana the next 1 1/2 hours atleast.

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She has come alive..

The only devotion I experienced in my life was as a school girl when I unfailingly visited the temple before an examination to beg for easy questions and lots of luck. As I started doing the Isha Yoga practices, I chose the path of practices and volunteering and assumed this was the only way to get somewhere in life. Devotion to a deity was ruled out of my life because I interpreted it as silly at its best and foolish at its worst.

But during the 3 days of consecration, I was overwhelmed by this sense of some power above me, to which I prostrate, love, adore and offer myself. I witnessed a miracle happening and what was born of the miracle, turned out to be something far bigger than me. Since I started the Isha practices, I am seeing myself becoming more unpredictable and not fitting into a particular mold. But She.. is the epitome unpredictability. Her exuberance, her protectiveness, her fury, her wild nature, yet the nurturer of life and wellbeing made the feminine powers of the Devi so evident.

When Sadhguru revealed the Devi’s form, I wax exploding! An overwhelming frantic desperate longing to merge and dissolve in her.. nothing else mattered. I had it all at that moment and I wanted nothing more. The tears of gratitude, the screams of ecstasy, the wild joy, the fulfillment of it all.. made it such a unique experience.

I did have questions in my mind about the intelligence of bringing rituals and worship into the otherwise straightforward path of awareness and volunteering. But I had the trust in my Guru to know that his perception goes far beyond mine. So I gave myself completely to what was happening. My mind was as usual stirring up a lot of nonsense, but I was able to put my mind and body aside to a good extent to involve myself in the process. The process itself was so intense that I was sweating profusely and when I felt like I wanted to give up, I was reminded of the significance of what was being created and felt a big push forward. Sadhguru had said “Do not miss this opportunity to make the divine your living companion” and I decided that I will not leave without getting that.

How do I even begin to describe the commitment and the offering made by the monks, the teachers and other residents? They offered themselves so completely to ensure everything happened smoothly for us. I bow down to every one of them. Such wonderful beings…

I still feel awed that Sadhguru let us witness such a miracle. He could have chosen not to offer any explanations but he clearly explained in scientific as well as simple terms about what was being done. His sense of humor even when he was engaged in something so tremendous, astounded me. As a confession, I did feel a small longing to actually be inside the temple when the process was going on. But regardless of whether I was sitting inside or outside, I felt involved with what was happening.

After the consecration, when I prostrated at the Devi temple, my entire upper body was on the floor and I could feel the intense vibrations in the floor. It was throbbing, like there was a current running through it. I felt like I was being rocked in a boat and not just lying down on a flat ground. In the days after the consecration, the first thing in my awareness when I woke up was the Devi’s eyes.

The tiniest taste of devotion has left me craving for more.. wonder how it would be like to be on this path 24 hours. I wonder how to get there.. Blessed are those who are in that state every moment of their life!

I want to carry the Devi with me always, wherever I am. I feel deeply grateful to Sadhguru for whatever has been given to me so far and seek his blessing to put this lifetime of mine to good use for those around me and for my own growth.

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