What I REALLY want..

Ok, this blog is going to be different from my previous entries. I am penning these thoughts here because I do not feel like sharing this with any one person in particular. It is my shout out to the cosmos.

I know what I really want to to do in life but just cannot do so right now, this moment, because I am bound by time, money and relationships. I want to be in the Isha Yoga Center, volunteering day in and day out, in complete silence… just wearing my personality out by offering myself to everything I do. I long to soak in the magnificent presence of the Dhyanalinga, to get a strong knock on the head in the Theerthakund, to look at the Velliangiri mountains and be humbled by it every dawn and dusk, to burst with gratitude at simply being in the presence of all those beautiful beings who are offering themselves for the bigger cause of the humanity. Just the memory of the place brings tears to my eyes. When I am there I do not feel compelled to speak or say something  just to be ‘sociable’. I can be by myself. How I long to be in that pure atmosphere, where everything is done out of love and offering.It is where I truly understood and experienced love, which is so different from the context it is used in the society today.

Just organizing the Inner Engineering program and seeing that every aspect of the class is taken care of (whether I do it well or mess up somethings unintentionally ), felt like going through a pregnancy and delivering the ‘baby’. It sounds weird, I know. But I have experienced Isha as my baby and thats the best feeling EVER.  I have never volunteered for the Bhavaspandana program but I want to. Every event that happens in Isha, every project that is being taken up.. I crave to be a part of it. When I get the monthly Newsletter and see all the events lined up, I CRAVE to there, forgetting to sleep and eat and just working to make it happen.  Maybe my time has not come or maybe my longing is not deep enough. But until then, I am keeping up with my Kriya and Shoonya. I am the biggest criminal there ever was because I got something invaluable in the form of the Silence practice but did not establish it by regular practice. I got too tangled up in life. It is such a pity that despite knowing that it is the most invaluable thing in my life, I have still not taken the effort to establish it… what to call me? Stupid?

I am not even going to write about Kailash Yatra. I am avoiding talking to anyone who is going on the Yatra because it is painful. I cannot afford it right now.. but just looking at the site and seeing all that Sadhguru has to say about it, creates such a longing in me to be there with him.

I am waiting for the next 1 year to pass because there are a lot of changes and uncertainties around me in terms of job and relationships. I dont event have a place to stay after June because I have not managed to find anything feasible yet! I feel ashamed to say that I am going to wait for these things to settle first before I take the next step forward. I understand that I am taking my existence for granted. I am assuming that I will be alive tomorrow. Thats why all this drama.  So what should I do now? I dont know. I still feel caught and helpless.

Ok.. thats just the helpless me writing all this. I have to sit for Shoonya and Kriya now. These 2 are the wheels on which my life is running. I cannot even imagine my existence without these 2. oh.. what a blessing it is to have been initiated!!! I am going to sit down now as though it is my first Kriya. That is my Sadhana the next 1 1/2 hours atleast.