Get those damn running shoes on!

I cant forgive people with no common sense. If you are putting on weight because you have not exercised in a long while.. then chuck the pizzas and get your damn running shoes on. Go home and eat some lettuce or something.Climb those 5 floors to reach your apartment. Eat an apple for dinner. Or just look in the mirror and remind yourself that you look uglier than before because you have piled on something like 10 kgs in the last couple of years because you don’t walk more than a block.

I don’t know the statistics of people who are malnourished or starved. But my intuition tells me it is a number significant enough to make people who grow obese on junk food, criminals!

Ok, I am not against fat people. That’s not my point at all. I do not have anything against anyone. But I cannot forgive lethargy and stupidity. Which is the emotion that wells in me when I see the photos of some people. Being fat could be due to many many different reasons. Genetic, hormonal disorder etc. I am not a health expert to make conclusions. But you don’t need to be a health expert to say that healthy food and exercise keep you active, agile and productive. I can see this for myself.

Why this vengeance? Well for one staying healthy is my obsession. and I find it difficult to accept people who ruin their own health knowing fully well they are doing so. What about people with eating disorders or those who find it compulsive to eat or smoke etc? Well, I believe there is a choice in everything and you simply need to stop taking life for granted.

You and I

Sadhguru, words are failing me.  Maybe because its a long time since I penned anything or maybe because trying to put into words what I am going through, is impossible. But I will try.

You know me without even having to connect through words. But I do hope someday you get to stumble upon this blog and see these written words of mine.

I watched an interview of your today with Koel. The last part of the interview was rapidfire question and answers with Koel. She asked you about what is going through your mind now, people you love, people you hate, your dearest possession etc. Every answer that you gave seemed to me like… you and I are sharing some secret that others wont understand. and that is why this blog.

Sadhguru, you have made me alive. You have made me aware. You are holding my fingers like how a mother would teach her child to walk and seeing me through. I do not know where I wil go or where I am going, but I only know that if it is with you.. I am willing to go wherever it is.  Please dont leave me behind. No one knows me but you. Even I dont know my-self, but I know that you do.

My time is running out. I have created some bonds for myself in this life. Please grace me so that I dont create more. Please please dont ever let me lose this intensity, this fire, this longing, this ache. Let me burn with the intensity. Please bless me so that I may break the shackles.

Awareness.. every moment… every second.. into eternity. In life and in dissolution.

Love? Bondage?

I am confused. With love. With life. With thoughts and thinking.

I have discovered… rather experienced , that honesty is indeed the best. The kind of lies I am talking about are the worst ever.. for they were told by me, to me. A whole load of self deception and tricks.
But I finally got caught by the one woman who knows me too well.

She just has this feeling about me.. like fish has about water. I am forced to believe the many weird theories I have read about the umblical connection because she is living testimony to it. She scares me sometimes because she senses me so well. Note, I didnt say she ‘knows me’. I said she ’senses me’. She simply has this intuition about me 2000 miles away and about things that happened to me today , yesterday and the many many days before that,even though I have not spoken a word about it.

This is going to be cliched.. but I have to put it down anyway. She is God. She has every quality that I would expect in God. To begin with, she created me. I owe this blood and flesh to the many months of agony she put up with while I kicked around floating in her tummy. She even cleaned my poop and stayed awake to put me to sleep I suppose.

She is the deepest connection I have with humanity and human relations.

She is my deepest bondage..

Nothing.

oh wonderful one.. what have you done to me?

I dont see the world as beautiful nor do I see it as pain.. I am just seeing it as an opportunity to grow. Being with you is a dream and a nightmare…You have destroyed my deception, you have shown me every flaw in my assumptions of my self. What I held as dear has become insignificant now and replaced by something so simple yet potent.

 A streak of madness has taken root in me for I break into a melody for nothing. Is this poison or is it nectar? What did I do to deserve this? How do I give you anything in return? The responsibility excites yet scares me..

Indian ness or Indian mess?

On the way to the canteen with an acquaintance, something very ordinary happened. We broke the traffic rules. When I voiced my observation aloud, he said “Once an Indian, always an Indian”. This got me thinking and here I am putting it up on my blog, while my simulation is executing in the background.

I am proud to be Indian. When my maths tutor commented that Indians are usually strong at maths and programming and when a non-Indian friend remarked that Indians have sharp features my heart swelled with pride. But there have been the occassions when I wished I were not recogonized by my nationality.

Queues. We Indians have scant regard for this basic requirement in a civil society that you have to wait your turn. It is not enough if we record a growth of almost 10% and are hailed by the international media as ‘the booming Indian economy’. Class does not come with flashing shiny credit cards or driving flashy sports cars. Class is about carrying yourself with a sense of dignity and following the norms of good public sense for the convenience of all. The most logical and fastest way everyones needs can be catered is through queuing. I myself have been frustrated at times by long queues. But its fair. If today you overtake someone in a queue, tomorrow when it is your turn ten other people will break the queue and push you around. Infrastructure and economic deveopment needs to be accompanied by maturing of the thought process. One reason for the breaking queues, overtaking on the road, jostling and rushing to go first is the basic survival insitincts. 3 generations ago, a good majority of the population faced scarcity of food and resources. The fittest would survive. The ones that pushed their way got it all. We have not outgrown this mentality despite the excesses that we middle class have today. We have not matured as a society. Depsite the improving living standards, we betray the fact that we come from a background of scarcity. Honestly I dont think we Indians are yet prepared to handle development in the true sense.

Noise. Whether in the class or on the train or in the canteen, Indians are the loudest. This poor friend of mine had to face the wrath of his examiner because the previous semester the examiner had had a tough time controlling the noise level in one of his classes because of the Indian population in it. I was honestly shocked that repercussions of us misbehaving in public can have such far reaching consequences. It not only tarnishes the name of the country as a whole, it unfairly affects the few who are sensible and dignified. Having fun is accompanied by certain levels of noise. But at whose expense?

Punctuality. OK, this part of the blog is a confession. I am poor at keeping time also and inevitably turn up ten minutes late for most appointments unless it is an interview or a life threatening situation. For us 4 o clock is seldom 4 o clock but most often 4:10 or even 4:45 at times. IST – Indian Standard Time. Its so common to hear us unashamed Indians state this and even laugh about it. That is the amount of respect we have for others time.

Privacy. My life is my own. I have had people ask me what grade I scored in a test or even scrolling through my handphone inbox for a peep into my life. Outrageous. I might be discussing a friend’s surprise party or my dinner plans or even plotting smuggling operationg through sms. Its not any of your business. Wanting to share my life with me is one thing but forcing yourself into my private space is quite another thing.

All said and done, I am an Indian. Be it the land or the culture, the arts or spirituality, am proud of the history and heritage we have. I am keen to explore our past and bring a little bit more of Indian ness into me. But with times, some things must change. Not jus from salwars to jeans or rotis to burgers. The change should come from within. Saare jahaan se acha, Hindustan hamara!!

December Trance?

I was not particularly drawn to blogging because my need to share ,discuss and analyze is taken care of by a bunch of wonderful people around me. This group of friends, diverese in race, religion, profession and cutlure, have helped me see an issue from multiple perspectives and have often made me aware of my shortcomings in the most beneficial way. So why blogging now? You can say the lack of involvement in my current actitvites drove me to look for soemthing new and hence was born ‘December Trance’.

December is my favorite month like am sure it is for a lot of other people. It has a nice ‘christmasy’ feeling to it. I am no follower of the christian faith, but that does not stop me from enjoying the festive spirit or the awesome new year sales mania in the city! All the more it makes me nostalgic of my hometown  and the wonderful rainy afternoons I have spent cuddled in bed with an Enid Blyton and a cup of amma’s ginger tea. As years progressed, ‘Malory Towers’ was repalced by thrillers, romance , classics and finally non-fiction. But the nostalgia remains. December also reminds me of the end of term exainations and a 2 week break from school when my buddies and I raided the local library and gathered for endless gossip sessions. 

 Is that all or am I merely beating aroud the bush? Who am I kidding?! December 2003 has been the most magical and memorable ever. It was not entirely happy because I faced a major setback in my academic life. But magical it was and mesmerizing it continues to be… I felt like a bud that had been gently pushed into blossoming by the rains and the breeze.  The world appeared a happy and merry place to be in. I became aware of a million emotions within me. I felt beautiful. I remember crying, laughing, blushing, grinning, fumbling, skipping and leaping.

First love. Period.